a silhouette of myself in my life-long pursuit to know me and how I relate to others so that God in my life will be glorified...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

My Words of Remembrance of our Dear Mother

(The following are the Words of Remembrance I spoke about my mother during the funeral service held at the Blacktown Adventist Church last 13 June 2013.  I was terribly sad and upset about her death that I had to write this.  Usually, I can deliver extemporaneous speeches, but not at this moment when I lost my dear mother---my friend, my best friend. Thanks to my niece Ruth Pearl Custodio for this photo)

There wasn’t anything my mother did not and wouldn't for me and my siblings. By the same token, there isn’t anything in the world I would  not do for her.  This, (speaking before you in this circumstance), however is really hard for me to do. How do I remember my mother?  Let me count in many ways.

.
My mother loved hats.  In all our life together here in Australia, the big issue was where to house her tons of hats.  She had different hats for each season.  The one I am wearing now is her most loved ‘hat.’ That’s why I had always made sure this ‘hat’ could readily be found.



My mother loved flowers. Back in the Philippines, she grew roses and orchids. Here she grew roses, chrysanthemums, and a range of houseplants.  She also grew vegetables.





My mother also loved music and songs.  She enjoyed listening to Philippine classical music called Kundiman. She liked the late Philippine soprano called Sylvia la Torre. She also liked Andrea Bocelli particularly his DVD called Under the Desert Sky. 


She had a great singing voice in her youth that she often did a duet item in the Seventh Day Adventist church she went to with a young man who eventually became my father.

A few months ago, after she came back from Merle’s house, I asked her in a joking tone ‘Mum, Merle told me you were singing a song to her. ..How is it you don’t sing a song for me?’ Straightaway, Mum stopped  while we were walking in the hallway… straightened up her crooked body and sang out loud…Besame mucho…’




My mother was creative.  With her sewing machine skills, she made beautiful clothes for my siblings and me. She could even turn remnant fabrics into beautiful tops, and also into beautiful and useful household things.  She was also good designer. I remember when I was an IAEA fellow in University of Florida when two American women stopped and one of them remarked, Oh what beautiful dress!.  Where did you buy it?” I did not buy it my mother made it.  She also made costumes in all the drama presentations in my Christian ministry in a different church in early 1990s

My mother also worked like a jet.  When she had a house here, it amazed me how she was able to put curtains on all the windows of her house and even made chair and footstool covers--all just in a day.  When I bought my own house, I had wished to myself I had my mother’s skills.


My mother was a hardworking person.  In her great desire to fulfil her high ambitions for all of us, she engaged in one business after another to help my father support our big family, to build a bigger house and send us all of us to university.  She first ran a cottage industry by employing lived-in machinists to make Ready To Wear clothing which she delivered to a few outlets in the big, busy market place called Divisoria.  She managed two grocery stores in a supermarket in Caloocan City.  At the same time, she also managed a sari-sari mixed store near our house. She also ran a boutique shop in the then newly established Manila Shopping Centre and engaged in recycling business.  She also built dwellings to rent out accommodation to people from nearby and faraway provinces who wanted to eventually settle in Manila.



My mother was a loving and understanding mother.  Unlike my father who dealt with us with the rod, my mother disciplined us using the Word of God to correct us from our wrongdoings.  I believed these two methods of discipline complemented that I could confidently say that all of my siblings and I had grown up well.

My mother was kind, generous and charitable.  I remember all the stormy days when she opened our house to our tenants and even prepared for them hot soup and shared with them biscuits  from our humongous tin of biscuits which she stocked at home.  I remember also that time when our finances were tight and she gave away her last money to the young pastor who visited us.   When I asked in protest why, she said the pastor needed to put food on the table for his wife and his four young children.


Yes, I remember my mother in countless ways, which could make a big book.  But, most of all, I remember
my mother for her big and unwavering faithfulness to a great God whom she talked endlessly.


I could never forget in my youth each sunrise when she kneeled in prayer and each sunset when she led my siblings and I to kneel in prayer to God thanking Him for providing us with our daily bread, asking Him to protect my father who usually worked on night shifts, asking God to protect us from all evils, from sudden death or any natural calamities and also asking God to forgive us from all our sins.


I saw before my eyes God’s great faithfulness to her.  When a really big typhoon hit Manila which was commonly referred by adults in our neighbourhood as Viente ocho de Mayo, 28th of May in the 1960s, she led my fearful siblings and I who were watching the flood waters rise by the hour to a prayer of faith.  She told us God was merciful and He would not allow our small house then which was similar to a typical Queensland house built on stilts to be carried away in the flood waters, just like those ones  my father watched pass by while he stood by our house which he already tied to the big trees in our yard even before there was flooding.  The rain stopped just a ruler height before the flood waters reached the floor of our house.




For a number of years, my mother and went to this church until her mobility decreased. Nevertheless, she continued to worship God.  I saw her read her Bible.  I heard her sing hymns at anytime during the day or night.  As she was old and frail and could not kneel anymore, I found her praying while sitting down. When she reached her ripe age and found it hard to sit up for a long time in bed, I found her praying while lying down early in the morning, ie because she would not respond to me until she finished praying.


She once told me, No she could not do things for us the ways she used to, but she never stopped praying for us.

When cataract hit her eyes, I read the Bible to her.  I sang hymns to her which she sang along with me, and also hymns which she could not sing by heart.  When her vision became better after two cataract surgery, then we worshipped God together.


My mother loved Psalm 91.  She knew by heart v. 16 in the vernacular...at bubusugin ko siya ng mahabang buhay at ipakikita ko sa kanya ang aking pagliligtas...

Yes, God had been true to His words.  He   would never lie. Through all my mother’s trials, she came out strong.  She pulled through when she had a triple bypass surgery in 1996, left mastectomy in early 2000, heart failure in 2009 and then aspiration pneumonia in 2012.  This did not happen during her recent hospitalisation when she had a minor stroke. The complication associated with diabetes, the atrial fibrillation, high cholesterol and blood pressure took its toll. God had called her to rest. She died in her sleep. Through all the trials and afflictions she had gone through, God had beautified my mother.  It amazed me how people who don’t even know her while she was still alive over the years said how beautiful and cute she was, even the paramedic who came during her last hospitalisation said how cute she was even while she was doing those involuntary jerky moments as a result of stroke. I had been encouraged when she was in the hospital how some kitchen, nursing and general services staff came by to say hello to her or just to see how she was going.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KcCm_8U1oA


My mother honoured God all her life, and God honoured her.  I believed it was God’s plan to send Pastor Daniel whom my brothers and sisters and I have never met to go the hospital to visit our mother.  Just like the good kings in the Bible who had a proper funeral, my mother deserved to have her funeral service to be conducted in a Seventh Day Adventist Church which had remained close to her heart despite her not being able to attend the church for a number of years.




My mother could not see what was going on here.  She could not hear what I am saying.  But her life has been a living letter which we, my siblings and I have been reading over the years.  The Lord planned it this way to serve as a final testimony of my mother's life as she took her last journey on this earth.

My siblings and I and the rest of our extended family praise God for her life.  God has been good to her. Glory be to God.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

My thoughts on Love


Love is a word that is commonly and loosely used these days. I have learned that love can be classified as eros (physical), phileo (brotherly) and agape (godly).  To many people, however, love is mistakenly equated to lust.

Sometimes, I find it complicated and confusing to set  apart or differentiate love from all other human emotions. Some emotions, for example, like jealousy, envy, hate or  anger, are sometimes difficult to manage or control.  What about love?

Love, however, is more than an emotion.  It is  a commitment based on will.  It does not depend on one’s physical appearance, performance and possession. This is like him saying,
... even if your hair is everywhere and unmanageable, and not silky and blonde as Kimberly, I still love you. But I  hope you'll go to a hairdresser, though." 

By the same token,  it is like you saying, "because I care about you, I am going to fix myself so you'll be proud to walk with me." 

And in worst scenario, it is like you or him saying "now that your hair is thinning and I know you will soon become bald because of the chemotherapy you are undergoing, I love you just the same.

Love embraces even the worst in the beloved. It holds on-- even when aspirations and dreams fail. 'Even if  you lose your job and we have to tighten our belts, yes, we surely can make it because we'll join hands ... and we will survive.

Love is not to be concealed.,  but rather demonstrated—both in words and in actionsHow can you say you love me when you would not even lift a finger to help me in the lawn? How could you say you'd take a bullet for me when you could not even get up in the night to take me to the hospital?

As I grow in my walk with Christ, I have learned that there is no better way to know and experience true love than knowing God on a personal level through Jesus Christ.

As sinful as I am and deserving to die, God sent Jesus His only Son, to die on the cross on my behalf....  This is love—it is willing to give even to the point of sacrificing what I treasured most."

Love is J..O..Y...- which means setting our priorities straight.  Jesus, Others and You.  In other words, we are to seek God's will in all our interactions with others in every situation at anytime, and this includes even all the mundane trivialities surrounding our relationship with our family, friends and the greater community.

Because I love God, I am concerned for your welfare as I am concerned about mine. Just as I cannot do the wrong thing by myself, I will not in any shape and form do the wrong thing by you... I will give you this Christmas a well-thought gift.  If I do not have the money, I may not give you anything material, but I am giving to you my sacrificial love.  I am going to lop your gigantic jacaranda hoping it will not fall on my head.  If it does, then at least you know that I have proved that your concern is my concern. "

Through Jesus, God sees me as a brand new creation.  The past is forgotten. There is no more condemnation.......  This is love—it is willing to forgive and forget the worst.

 
How many times shall I forgive you? Up to seven times? How many times shall you forgive me? Up to seven times seven? Hang on a second... Is that right?

Jesus said, about forgiveness, I should forgive you not up to seven times, but seventy times seven.  And you should do likewise. 

Through Jesus, I became a member of God’s family.  Like me, you also become a member of God's family.  Through Him, God adopted you and me so we may also share in the inheritance promised formerly only to the Jews...... This is love—it is willing to accept you and me and bring us into the family so we don’t have to feel alone.  His Love assures us we belong. 

In practical terms, it is like you saying...'How about we have a snack together at McDonalds." Yes, because we all have become friends and there is a bond of love between us,  the basic thing we can do is to eat together.  You and neither I, will not want to eat with an enemy, would we?  


Monday, February 11, 2013

One Train Ride...

The sun rays filtering through the corners of the train's window pane were blinding...just like the glories of yesterday? Yes and how satisfying  it was to dwell on them..

How would such thoughts, however,  have bearing on today's struggles and stresses though? Not really much....


Beyond the distant thick clouds I saw seemingly hallways of emptiness and longing, as well as barricades of tears and disappointments.  In a vision I saw my house  lonely,  my  garden weeping...the grasses growing tall yet quickly scorched by the heat of the sun.

I saw life in silent pain............Is this all there is to it?

I had watched the silky oak tree then--grow slowly month after month until it reached its maximum height of 25 metres or so. Through hail or windstorms, it stood unaffected...determined to stay strong... unlike the Canadian maple which just decided to die.  How could it prevail against Eren and his axe?  I could curse Eren if not crack his skull for killing my beloved tree! I wouldn't see a crown of red and golden leaves this autumn nor a crown of emerald green leaves in summer.  I wouldn't have a sea of autumn leaves at all!  It is all his fault!

Or should I blame myself? Well, I shouldn't have hired Eren to dig a hole. Was it his fault if he miscalculated the blow of his axe that hit the primary roots of my maple tree?  Ah,  I shouldn't have aspire to plant a tamarind tree, after all, I wasn't sure if this exotic tree would thrive.

As the train moved along, I saw in my mind the pretty but thorny sight of  the  bougainvillea running along the fence perpendicular to my street. In no time, it filled up the entire fence.  Ah... that was beautiful indeed! The old fence  certainly was a thing of light purple beauty!....until one neighbour (from my own country of origin!) complained! She feared her eyes could one day get prick by the thorns.  And I would get sued... ? Yes,  only if she was foolish enough to walk so close to the fence! Why? of course,  there was about half a meter of pathway she could walk on.... and,  away from my fence.

Then on my mind, I saw the infected wattle tree yet full of yellow blooms leaning more and more obtuse, threatening to fall on the three-stage compost bin my significant other built on my birthday week.  Did he build it because he knew I was crazy about gardening or was it his way of telling me I was still special---after all the storms that have threatened to ruin the beauty of my surrounding?
Just like the microbial activity in the compost bin, things go slowly..in my life.  I could not complain. It is rather difficult to hear the whispers of the stars in the night sky and see what the future holds.     

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Reaping a Rich Reward

I have lived in such a way that I do not deliberately hurt anyone.  By the same token, I  have tried the best way possible to maintain peace with everyone. Although, I must admit that in times of provocations, there have been a few times when I lose my control.  God forgive me!

Not that I consider myself better than anyone...because I know I am not. I'm only different.  There are things that people dare  do that I don't even dream of doing, particularly if I could see that these pose risk to my health, my reputation, my safety and most of all, jeopardise my standing before God and all the people close to my heart.  I seem to have my own piece of mind about anything and I tend to stick to it by all means--never mind what other people may say.  I want to be happy with myself that's why. 

I do not exist to please others for the simple reason that I have found it to be one of the impossibilities in this world.  Thus, I believe that one way to feel miserable is to try to please others, if not everyone. Having said this, however, I can confidently say I am not  self-centred. No, not at all (!) Since I became a Christian, I learned that JOY means Jesus first, Others second and You (myself) last.

James said faith without good works is dead. Paul said to work out our salvation with trembling. He also said he had fight the good fight of faith...

Have I not followed in their footsteps? Have I not striven to be like Jesus every step of the way? I definitely have!  But then being a Christian, ie being a new person in Christ, does not eradicate my old self.  I am still the same person who had been afflicted with some kind of manufactured autism, anti-social tendencies, a tongue that cut people into half and the same person who came out of these when Jesus Christ came into my heart.

I could not claim however, I have become righteous except positionally.  It is Christ who made me righteous, who called me into holiness, who sees me as holy. 

Technically, I am not the same person years and years ago.  I have been saved by God's grace.  I have done some good things in the name of God--both to others and myself. 

I have loved myself so that I could also love others. Because I have been patient to myself, I also have been patient to others--though not at all times. I think this is forgivable.  God is not through with me yet. As it is written, I am changed from one glory to another.

I have also been kind to myself,  so I would learn to be kind to others also-- though not at all situations.  I think this too,  is forgivable.  And just as I already said in the foregoing, God is not through with me yet.

I have been not arrogant, either. I know and I have tried not to, despite all the successes God gave me. I regard others, if not better... just to be different from me and thus, deserve as much respect as I do---because my father taught me, as well as my siblings, not to belittle any person.  My father said that  no matter how uneducated or lowly people maybe compared to me, they definitely know something which I don't know. Thus,  I have regarded of equal footing  every one as myself.

Further, I have tried by the grace of God to love everyone with agape love--no matter how I dislike them.  I know, however,  I have failed to do this in many instances. But God knows in my heart of hearts,  I have desired to love them and have tried, even in the poorest way one may view it, to actualise this desire.  And God who is omniscient know I always do!

Is it too much then that I expect to reap a rich reward?  I am not asking for material riches.  All I want is for all my siblings, myself  and my significant other to enjoy life together here on earth---- as it is in heaven.




Wednesday, February 8, 2012

In this little corner...


I was leafing through the pages of my old journals when i found a piece of paper where I had written an unfinished exposition. I thought I must have written it while waiting for the client or patient while I was still doing on-site interpreting assignments. I read in this paper...as a kid my mother me told she would usually find me in one little corner reading or scribbling while my other siblings were out playing in the backyard. I chuckled and said to myself here I still am, today, in this little corner.
I could have gone out. I have long been kept inside the walls of Lilyland, a modification of Lilianland by which Brett named my property. However, I opted to stay at home. Thank goodness, I did! Or I could not have enjoyed the glorious rhythm of the rain that is falling right now on the Stratco roof of the extension of my house. Had I gone out, I would surely come home like a wet duckling.
Why do I always go in this little corner? I never bothered to know the reason why—not for many, many years.

After minutes of wondering and reflecting, I know now why...
It is only in this little corner where I can enjoy my own company and listen to the deep groaning of my soul and spirit, thereby know myself more. It is in this little corner where I have all the liberty to be me. I do not mean to say I wear a social mask, or any kind of mask for that matter, when I am out there. I never have—not in any shape or form. When I am out there, however, there are norms and standards to follow. Could I just burst out in tear or laughter accordingly as to what my thought processes are, for example, when I am in the congregation of the saints? Could I wear the comfy, sleeveless ruffled-linen purple dress I am wearing now which shows my arms and my neck. Not at all –not because I have not done enough restraining exercises to have the arms of Michelle Obama, but because I am a little bit conservative!
Yes, it is in this little corner where I am most relax, calm, comfortable and free. Where else could I enjoy the music and dance to its rhythm using my own funny steps to lower my blood sugar levels without getting laughed at? Only in this little corner...

It is in this little corner also that I soar limitlessly into heights of spiritual, mental and intellectual mountaintop experiences.

And most of all, it is in this little corner where I can endlessly talk to my Maker and pour out my heart’s deepest desire in tears and in prayers for all the people I love who are sick and hurting.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

All i once held dear...

What were the things I held dear? Foremost was my love for the academics. As soon as I had good awareness of what life should be, I'd say I had pursued my dream to be in the academia. Although I believed in God and had a religion, these had not been my top priorities. My highest dream was to be a member of the Academy of Sciences. I believed I was cut out to study, study, and study still and if I would just be persever-ant and diligent, I knew would get there in no time. My efforts were not in vain. I would say I had fairly made a name in science.


That was like decades ago.For a Ph D graduate like me then, there was always the pressure to publish. If I wouldn't, then I was academically doomed. I perish! I'd say I had enough scientific publications, not to mention the countless confidential technical reports I made for chemical companies here in Australia, to be included in Who's Who In the World, and Who's Who Etc.


After I left my career to look after my aging and sick mother, I occassionally googled out of curiosity my name in the internet--Hmm...I was still there. I believed this to be the result of my webpage on dust mites which gained recognition foremost by Discovery Channel School Magazine at the first instance when I uploaded it in the internet. My webpage and sometimes my name in line with big institutes and universities had been cited by different websites of industries as a reference to boost their claim for the effectiveness of their product against dust mites. The number of emails I received through my webpage was huge, sometimes, even clogging my inbox, as the Administrator termed it in one of his emails to me. Among these, which made my ego a bit huge, was from a company in Rhodes Islands offering me some fees to test and eventually endorse their pillow protector against dust mites in the market and also from a radio person in Arkansas asking me if I could be interviewed. Needless to say, I got countless emails from average people consulting me regarding their allergy to dust mites and its allergen. I told to myself then, Ah... I was still alive.


In the beginning of this year,though, I googled my name in a playful mood, and Alas! My name was nonexistent I was unlisted from E-Acarology list of Publications, whatever it was called. I could not remember anymore. For a while, I wondered when I perished....


My rational self however retorted, does it really matter?" Was my career the thing that matter most? NO! Is it my house and my receding bank balance? NO! Is it my family I always hold dear? The answer is still a big NO! One by one they just 'go', like surprised bombshells in my tranquil life. I lost my beloved big brothers, my big sisters, I lost my father...I do not know what the future holds. I do not know whether I will outlive the remaining members of my family or they will outlive me... Either way is a very sad thing. And if I could wish... I wish none of these will happen and we will all meet Jesus together in the air.


I made the video Knowing You using David Bird's guitar rendition. I meditate whenever I listen to it. I also read the lyrics of the song through and through until it occurred to me...


all I once held dear, YES!
all the world reveres,and wars to won ...
All I thought was gain, I have counted lost
Spent and worthless now compared to this---
Knowing You Jesus, knowing You
there is no greater thing,
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you Lord..



How else can I say it? Indeed, there is no greater thing than to know Jesus. I will lose everything, everyone, but Jesus in my life remains. Earthly friends and even my family will fail me, but Jesus never will! No, He never will!

Yes, Jesus is my ALL, my JOY, and my RIGHTEOUSNESS.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Delmar-my You Tube Channel

I did not know I have a channel in You Tube. I believe it was Renren, my nephew who created it using my account. He used to come to my house on a Thursday last year before he attended his next class in the university. He named the channel after my father who passed away on May 10, 2010. I thought he must have truly been missing my father.


Why wouldn't he? My father, whom he called Lolo, had always been involved in his life when he was still a young boy. They were neighbours. When he was really young young, my father used to walk him to school. After school, my father also used to make him snack--two fried eggs with bread, rice or noodles. In spite of a bad leg, his Lolo also never failed to go to his school to see him participate in school sports events or other school programs. Furthermore, his Lolo never missed going to his presentations at the end of school year, after which each time, both of them happily walked home--his Lolo a proud man because his grandson got the Ducks award.

When Renren became a young man, his friendship with his Lolo continued. Since my father moved house, Renren every now and then, had been his frequent visitor. When his Lolo's health deteriorated, Renren became involved in looking after him, being a company to him, sometimes even driving him to the doctor when there was no available driver. He also looked after him and tarried with him at times in various situations when his Lolo became confined in the hospital.

One nice thing Renren does, to my surprise, is his visits to his grandfather's tomb every now and then on his own. On special occassions, he also bring flowers for his grandfather.

Well the above is the backgound to my existing channel which I did not know I have until May 21 of 2011, when I first uploaded the video I made for my sister Daisy for her birthday. In this video, I used as background music my sister's own interpretation of the song, Hahanapin Kita, which I myself love to sing. I posted this video first on facebook and when I posted it on You Tube the second time, I got a strong reaction from my sister. Probably because such video was truly sort of private viewing because people would love to listen more to Anthony Castelo than her. I told her,though, that I just tried uploading video in You Tube as I did not know how to do it then, but know now, of course.

Having quite a bit of fun, I uploaded next the video I made using my brother Art's singing of one of song I often watch on the documentation of the editions we had of the Christian Ministry my family and I organised in the 1990s. In making it, I listened to the lyrics of the song and jotted them down. Art actually missed one phrase in singing the song, I realised it now because I sort of already got a good grasp of the song. But it was not very obvious, though. This is easily overlooked because my brother has got a good singing voice. In fact he was my top favourite singer then next to Joel Navarro.

I was happy I got this channel because of ease in being able to listen or watch my own videos on my tHub tablet. These videos are documentations of the things we did as family using as background music that meant a lot to me. As I eventually learn to create playlists, the more I became a happy You Tube user. I made playlists of my own videos which essentially are my favourite Christian songs, Celebrating Jesus, etc and also playlists of my parents'favourite songs. I also have a playlist which I called For my sisters with much affection, 3 of whict are still private videos because I have not asked my two sisters if they are happy for me to uploaded them. (I posted them originally of facebook). I told to myself WoW! Isn't this real fun--having learned a bit more other features of You Tube.

At the moment, I have uploaded 23 videos, 9 of which are for private viewing. As I have become a You Tube user more, I learned other things...When I look at other channels and see millions views of their uploaded videos, I was sort of disheartened because it would be like a million years and probably the views of my videos will still be just hundreds.

When I recall to my mind however, that my channel has been more for my own enjoyment, I learned to calm down and relax.

I said once more another WoW! Wny, because I got one more interesting thing to do as I enjoy my semi-retiring days. Thanks to my nephew who signed up for me. Thanks also to You Tube!

Listening to my playlists makes my chores delightful.