One Train Ride...

The sun rays filtering through the corners of the train's window pane were blinding...just like the glories of yesterday? Yes and how satisfying  it was to dwell on them..

How would such thoughts, however,  have bearing on today's struggles and stresses though? Not really much....

Beyond the distant thick clouds I saw seemingly hallways of emptiness and longing, as well as barricades of tears and disappointments.  In a vision I saw my house  lonely,  my  garden weeping...the grasses growing tall yet quickly scorched by the heat of the sun.

I saw life in silent pain............Is this all there is to it?

I had watched the silky oak tree then--grow slowly month after month until it reached its maximum height of 25 metres or so. Through hail or windstorms, it stood unaffected...determined to stay strong... unlike the Canadian maple which just decided to die.  How could it prevail against Eren and his axe?  I could curse Eren if not crack his skull for killing my beloved tree! I wouldn't see a crown of red and golden leaves this autumn nor a crown of emerald green leaves in summer.  I wouldn't have a sea of autumn leaves at all!  It is all his fault!

Or should I blame myself? Well, I shouldn't have hired Eren to dig a hole. Was it his fault if he miscalculated the blow of his axe that hit the primary roots of my maple tree?  Ah,  I shouldn't have aspire to plant a tamarind tree, after all, I wasn't sure if this exotic tree would thrive.

As the train moved along, I saw in my mind the pretty but thorny sight of  the  bougainvillea running along the fence perpendicular to my street. In no time, it filled up the entire fence.  Ah... that was beautiful indeed! The old fence  certainly was a thing of light purple beauty!....until one neighbour (from my own country of origin!) complained! She feared her eyes could one day get prick by the thorns.  And I would get sued... ? Yes,  only if she was foolish enough to walk so close to the fence! Why? of course,  there was about half a meter of pathway she could walk on.... and,  away from my fence.

Then on my mind, I saw the infected wattle tree yet full of yellow blooms leaning more and more obtuse, threatening to fall on the three-stage compost bin my significant other built on my birthday week.  Did he build it because he knew I was crazy about gardening or was it his way of telling me I was still special---after all the storms that have threatened to ruin the beauty of my surrounding?

Just like the microbial activity in the compost bin, things go slowly..in my life.  I could not complain. It is rather difficult to hear the whispers of the stars in the night sky and see what the future holds.     

Reaping a Rich Reward

I have lived in such a way that I do not deliberately hurt anyone.  By the same token, I  have tried the best way possible to maintain peace with everyone. Although, I must admit that in times of provocations, there have been a few times when I lose my control.  God forgive me!

Not that I consider myself better than anyone...because I know I am not. I'm only different.  There are things that people dare  do that I don't even dream of doing, particularly if I could see that these pose risk to my health, my reputation, my safety and most of all, jeopardise my standing before God and all the people close to my heart.  I seem to have my own piece of mind about anything and I tend to stick to it by all means--never mind what other people may say.  I want to be happy with myself that's why. 

I do not exist to please others for the simple reason that I have found it to be one of the impossibilities in this world.  Thus, I believe that one way to feel miserable is to try to please others, if not everyone. Having said this, however, I can confidently say I am not  self-centred. No, not at all (!) Since I became a Christian, I learned that JOY means Jesus first, Others second and You (myself) last.

James said faith without good works is dead. Paul said to work out our salvation with trembling. He also said he had fight the good fight of faith...

Have I not followed in their footsteps? Have I not striven to be like Jesus every step of the way? I definitely have!  But then being a Christian, ie being a new person in Christ, does not eradicate my old self.  I am still the same person who had been afflicted with some kind of manufactured autism, anti-social tendencies, a tongue that cut people into half and the same person who came out of these when Jesus Christ came into my heart.

I could not claim however, I have become righteous except positionally.  It is Christ who made me righteous, who called me into holiness, who sees me as holy. 

Technically, I am not the same person years and years ago.  I have been saved by God's grace.  I have done some good things in the name of God--both to others and myself. 

I have loved myself so that I could also love others. Because I have been patient to myself, I also have been patient to others--though not at all times. I think this is forgivable.  God is not through with me yet. As it is written, I am changed from one glory to another.

I have also been kind to myself,  so I would learn to be kind to others also-- though not at all situations.  I think this too,  is forgivable.  And just as I already said in the foregoing, God is not through with me yet.

I have been not arrogant, either. I know and I have tried not to, despite all the successes God gave me. I regard others, if not better... just to be different from me and thus, deserve as much respect as I do---because my father taught me, as well as my siblings, not to belittle any person.  My father said that  no matter how uneducated or lowly people maybe compared to me, they definitely know something which I don't know. Thus,  I have regarded of equal footing  every one as myself.

Further, I have tried by the grace of God to love everyone with agape love--no matter how I dislike them.  I know, however,  I have failed to do this in many instances. But God knows in my heart of hearts,  I have desired to love them and have tried, even in the poorest way one may view it, to actualise this desire.  And God who is omniscient know I always do!

Is it too much then that I expect to reap a rich reward?  I am not asking for material riches.  All I want is for all my siblings, myself  and my significant other to enjoy life together here on earth---- as it is in heaven.

In this little corner...

I was leafing through the pages of my old journals when i found a piece of paper where I had written an unfinished exposition. I thought I must have written it while waiting for the client or patient while I was still doing on-site interpreting assignments. I read in this paper...as a kid my mother me told she would usually find me in one little corner reading or scribbling while my other siblings were out playing in the backyard. I chuckled and said to myself here I still am, today, in this little corner.
I could have gone out. I have long been kept inside the walls of Lilyland, a modification of Lilianland by which Brett named my property. However, I opted to stay at home. Thank goodness, I did! Or I could not have enjoyed the glorious rhythm of the rain that is falling right now on the Stratco roof of the extension of my house. Had I gone out, I would surely come home like a wet duckling.
Why do I always go in this little corner? I never bothered to know the reason why—not for many, many years.

After minutes of wondering and reflecting, I know now why...
It is only in this little corner where I can enjoy my own company and listen to the deep groaning of my soul and spirit, thereby know myself more. It is in this little corner where I have all the liberty to be me. I do not mean to say I wear a social mask, or any kind of mask for that matter, when I am out there. I never have—not in any shape or form. When I am out there, however, there are norms and standards to follow. Could I just burst out in tear or laughter accordingly as to what my thought processes are, for example, when I am in the congregation of the saints? Could I wear the comfy, sleeveless ruffled-linen purple dress I am wearing now which shows my arms and my neck. Not at all –not because I have not done enough restraining exercises to have the arms of Michelle Obama, but because I am a little bit conservative!
Yes, it is in this little corner where I am most relax, calm, comfortable and free. Where else could I enjoy the music and dance to its rhythm using my own funny steps to lower my blood sugar levels without getting laughed at? Only in this little corner...

It is in this little corner also that I soar limitlessly into heights of spiritual, mental and intellectual mountaintop experiences.

And most of all, it is in this little corner where I can endlessly talk to my Maker and pour out my heart’s deepest desire in tears and in prayers for all the people I love who are sick and hurting.

All i once held dear...

What were the things I held dear? Foremost was my love for the academics. As soon as I had good awareness of what life should be, I'd say I had pursued my dream to be in the academia. Although I believed in God and had a religion, these had not been my top priorities. My highest dream was to be a member of the Academy of Sciences. I believed I was cut out to study, study, and study still and if I would just be persever-ant and diligent, I knew would get there in no time. My efforts were not in vain. I would say I had fairly made a name in science.


That was like decades ago.For a Ph D graduate like me then, there was always the pressure to publish. If I wouldn't, then I was academically doomed. I perish! I'd say I had enough scientific publications, not to mention the countless confidential technical reports I made for chemical companies here in Australia, to be included in Who's Who In the World, and Who's Who Etc.


After I left my career to look after my aging and sick mother, I occassionally googled out of curiosity my name in the internet--Hmm...I was still there. I believed this to be the result of my webpage on dust mites which gained recognition foremost by Discovery Channel School Magazine at the first instance when I uploaded it in the internet. My webpage and sometimes my name in line with big institutes and universities had been cited by different websites of industries as a reference to boost their claim for the effectiveness of their product against dust mites. The number of emails I received through my webpage was huge, sometimes, even clogging my inbox, as the Administrator termed it in one of his emails to me. Among these, which made my ego a bit huge, was from a company in Rhodes Islands offering me some fees to test and eventually endorse their pillow protector against dust mites in the market and also from a radio person in Arkansas asking me if I could be interviewed. Needless to say, I got countless emails from average people consulting me regarding their allergy to dust mites and its allergen. I told to myself then, Ah... I was still alive.


In the beginning of this year,though, I googled my name in a playful mood, and Alas! My name was nonexistent I was unlisted from E-Acarology list of Publications, whatever it was called. I could not remember anymore. For a while, I wondered when I perished....


My rational self however retorted, does it really matter?" Was my career the thing that matter most? NO! Is it my house and my receding bank balance? NO! Is it my family I always hold dear? The answer is still a big NO! One by one they just 'go', like surprised bombshells in my tranquil life. I lost my beloved big brothers, my big sisters, I lost my father...I do not know what the future holds. I do not know whether I will outlive the remaining members of my family or they will outlive me... Either way is a very sad thing. And if I could wish... I wish none of these will happen and we will all meet Jesus together in the air.


I made the video Knowing You using David Bird's guitar rendition. I meditate whenever I listen to it. I also read the lyrics of the song through and through until it occurred to me...


all I once held dear, YES!
all the world reveres,and wars to won ...
All I thought was gain, I have counted lost
Spent and worthless now compared to this---
Knowing You Jesus, knowing You
there is no greater thing,
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you Lord..


How else can I say it? Indeed, there is no greater thing than to know Jesus. I will lose everything, everyone, but Jesus in my life remains. Earthly friends and even my family will fail me, but Jesus never will! No, He never will!

Yes, Jesus is my ALL, my JOY, and my RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Delmar-my You Tube Channel

I did not know I have a channel in You Tube. I believe it was Renren, my nephew who created it using my account. He used to come to my house on a Thursday last year before he attended his next class in the university. He named the channel after my father who passed away on May 10, 2010. I thought he must have truly been missing my father.


Why wouldn't he? My father, whom he called Lolo, had always been involved in his life when he was still a young boy. They were neighbours. When he was really young young, my father used to walk him to school. After school, my father also used to make him snack--two fried eggs with bread, rice or noodles. In spite of a bad leg, his Lolo also never failed to go to his school to see him participate in school sports events or other school programs. Furthermore, his Lolo never missed going to his presentations at the end of school year, after which each time, both of them happily walked home--his Lolo a proud man because his grandson got the Ducks award.

When Renren became a young man, his friendship with his Lolo continued. Since my father moved house, Renren every now and then, had been his frequent visitor. When his Lolo's health deteriorated, Renren became involved in looking after him, being a company to him, sometimes even driving him to the doctor when there was no available driver. He also looked after him and tarried with him at times in various situations when his Lolo became confined in the hospital.

One nice thing Renren does, to my surprise, is his visits to his grandfather's tomb every now and then on his own. On special occassions, he also bring flowers for his grandfather.

Well the above is the backgound to my existing channel which I did not know I have until May 21 of 2011, when I first uploaded the video I made for my sister Daisy for her birthday. In this video, I used as background music my sister's own interpretation of the song, Hahanapin Kita, which I myself love to sing. I posted this video first on facebook and when I posted it on You Tube the second time, I got a strong reaction from my sister. Probably because such video was truly sort of private viewing because people would love to listen more to Anthony Castelo than her. I told her,though, that I just tried uploading video in You Tube as I did not know how to do it then, but know now, of course.

Having quite a bit of fun, I uploaded next the video I made using my brother Art's singing of one of song I often watch on the documentation of the editions we had of the Christian Ministry my family and I organised in the 1990s. In making it, I listened to the lyrics of the song and jotted them down. Art actually missed one phrase in singing the song, I realised it now because I sort of already got a good grasp of the song. But it was not very obvious, though. This is easily overlooked because my brother has got a good singing voice. In fact he was my top favourite singer then next to Joel Navarro.

I was happy I got this channel because of ease in being able to listen or watch my own videos on my tHub tablet. These videos are documentations of the things we did as family using as background music that meant a lot to me. As I eventually learn to create playlists, the more I became a happy You Tube user. I made playlists of my own videos which essentially are my favourite Christian songs, Celebrating Jesus, etc and also playlists of my parents'favourite songs. I also have a playlist which I called For my sisters with much affection, 3 of whict are still private videos because I have not asked my two sisters if they are happy for me to uploaded them. (I posted them originally of facebook). I told to myself WoW! Isn't this real fun--having learned a bit more other features of You Tube.

At the moment, I have uploaded 23 videos, 9 of which are for private viewing. As I have become a You Tube user more, I learned other things...When I look at other channels and see millions views of their uploaded videos, I was sort of disheartened because it would be like a million years and probably the views of my videos will still be just hundreds.

When I recall to my mind however, that my channel has been more for my own enjoyment, I learned to calm down and relax.

I said once more another WoW! Wny, because I got one more interesting thing to do as I enjoy my semi-retiring days. Thanks to my nephew who signed up for me. Thanks also to You Tube!

Listening to my playlists makes my chores delightful.

Remembering Mina

26 November. This was the birthday of my sister Myrna whom we all fondly called Mina.


Mina was the second eldest in our family. Unlike Ate, my eldest sister, Mina was responsible and serious. She was like a second mother to all of us who were younger in the family tree.


I could not forget the day when she did my hair so nicely when I was in grade2. She told me I had to look good because our class was going to have a class picture. She told me to smile when the cameraman finish counting up to three and take the shot. As young, shy and moody as I was, I did not. When I got the picture, she said it was okay and it was not so bad.


Mina's movie idols were Susan Roces and Eddie Gutierrez. She collected photos of the love team and would like so much to go to the cinema to see their movies. However, our father was very strict. He was like our Board of Censor. If we were so keen to see a movie, he first watched the movie himself to see if it was suitable for us to watch. Furthermore, we were not allowed to go to the cinema in the first place, unless he was with us.

One time, however, Mina with my Ate, took me to a second class theatre which showed double program. The movie she was keen to watch then was called Maruja which starred Susan Roces and Romeo Vasquez. As there was another movie, we came home at sundown. My sisters were shocked when we got home because at the door was our father whose face as we figuratively say it was un-paintable.


Ate, began reasoning out, but got a slap on the face. Mina was quiet. When it was her turn to get slapped, she fell straight down to the floor with her eyes closed. Our father furiously lectured to them. I was scared too, but I was young to be slapped and lectured to.


After a few days later when we recalled the episode with a touch of humour, my older cousins said it was surprising because Mina who was the perfect kid, whom they also said was my father's favourite, was in the end not really exempted from the rod. That is, as Mina rarely got lectured to and disciplined.

Mina was not just my big sister but my friend. As young as I was, she shared with me her secrets, particularly about her teenage crush in school by the name of Ruben Perez.


From hindsight, I supposed she also must have wanted to go out with Ruben. But our father's rule was books first, boys last. One time, however, Ruben with his friend Nick who I think got a crush on my Ate, came to visit. Of all days, however, the boys shouldn't have come that day. Why? my father who worked as a mobile patrol police happened to be at home. He regularly stopped by our house anytime he saw fit.

I saw the disappointment on my sister's face when she heard my father who answered the door, told the boys, "No one in his household is sick and therefore, is in no need of any visitors."


Mina survived this heart-breaking episode. After all, she was just a young girl. And she had all of us-- our parents who loved her and we, who were not only her siblings but her friends. Her love for music, singing, drawing, household chores and life put her back on track.


As my parents ran retail businesses and botique, Mina, as well, as my Ate and my big brother Abner, became involved in these. Soon my father gave her a mixed shop to run on her own. The shop was called Mina's Shop and Save Store.

The above is but just a little piece of my huge and fond memory of my beloved sister whom we all lost on 2 November 1979. I wish I could write more... but other things have copyrights in heaven.


This is a video I created in memory of my beloved sister Mina

I thank you Lord I belong to a family

Oh how beautiful is the colour variation of bougainvillea! Every time I see their bracts—white, red, pink orange and yellow, I tend to think of the family I belong to. And when I think of them Lord, I also think of love--because I learn a lot about loving through them.

Am I not blessed to have a mother who trudge one subdivision after another to get me different bract colours of bougainvillea for my genetics class? And could you imagine her catching grasshoppers with me, too and searching for turtle and dead shark?

As for my father, God… did he think I was still 15 years old that he still went with me to get a medical certificate? Why? I was already a postgraduate student then!

Haha! For my father and mother, my siblings and I will always be like their little children in need of help and support.

Lord, it gladdens my heart to belong to parents like them. I thank you forever for them.

And I thank you also for my brothers and my sisters--for Art, Cynthia and Merle whom I go out with to attend concerts and plays and sing praises and share your love to others over plains, valleys and mountains; and also do some crude baking and roasting.

I thank you also for Rommel who runs an errand for me whenever I want to eat Ebisen and for being able to compute my income tax return.

Just the same God, I thank you for Nimrod, my intelligent brother and comrade who talk to me about rockets, booby traps, submarines and the Sinos. Haha! Did he think I want to go to war?

Am I not so blessed? I don’t only have five siblings but more…!! WoW! Amazing indeed to belong to a large family! My siblings are not just my brothers and sisters but also my friends!

Thank you for Mina, Abner, Delmar Jr, too-- Mina who shared with me the little smiles and tremendous pains about life; Abner who skillfully drew for me Magellan, Marcelo H. del Pilar and Gregorio del Pilar; and Delmar, Jr., my bed-ridden brother who taught all of us to be loving and caring. But I tell you Lord…I get so hurt every time I think of them. The thought of their tragic deaths always bring tremendous pain in my heart that I cry, cry and cry….How I wish they were still around!

But then what can I do? But just grow strong and brave to accept things as they are… Life is made of tears, but also comfort and joy...

Lord, I thank you also for Daisy with whom I had shared jackets and jeans, Big Mac and coke and of course basketball games to fight over with when her Motorola team wins over my Crispa. I wish she did not have to fly to Australia because I miss her so, particularly her frowning and crying face whenever my Crispa team win over Motorola.

And I thank you just the same for my Ate. I quarrel with her too! Am I bad? But she was so spoiled!!!! Spoiled by our grandma! How my ears hurt everytime she speaks coarse language! Even then through her worst also shines a little kindness that touches my heart. So I love her just the same, God. You know I do, God.

My family isn’t really that fantastic as you are fully aware, Father. Sometimes we laugh a lot. We sing, cry and pray together. But when we discuss issues in our round table…My! We shout, fight and cry! We do not sound like a family at all! I am sorry to say.

I thank You God because your grace is sufficient, however. After awhile we all can forgive each other and forget about all the fights. Then once more, we are a family again who talk a lot, laugh, sing, eat and pray.

Glory be to You, Lord who binds us together in love and perfect unity.

(From L.R. Blanco’s My Life’s Journal, 1984)