The following is the content of a loose page I kept in my file for ages:
I found myself once again afflicted with what the doctors considered to be most devastating disease of modern man---loneliness.
Why am I lonely?
I am lonely because I became emotionally involved with the wrong person.
I am lonely because I lost this wrong person suddenly and
I am lonely because I find it hard to live without this wrong person in my life.
I am lonely because it has been hard to wake up knowing this person is no longer in my life
I am lonely because the new dimension he brought in my almost perfect and smooth life is now gone.
I am lonely because I was presumptuous--
He is lost! He needs to have a genuine relationship with God;
He is lost! He needs to find himself and see the real him at a better angle.
I am lonely because I must be presumptuously wrong!
I am lonely because I think this person even if he goes to church must not be a truly converted Christian.
I am lonely because I see him a broken person.
And I am lonely because I just see him as an iceberg.
I am lonely too because I think I hold the universe and as such I can decipher him and change him
And eventually find satisfaction in my brain having accomplished my purpose in him--that is, to bring out the best in him;
to revolutionise a change in his self-image.
But in the long run--this was long and painful process
I was a failure.
That was yesterday--when I took fancy of 'loving' a person who was my professor, the boy next door, a screen actor, or the choir director at work. Ah, all my youthful idiosyncrasies. I liked the feeling of being in love, but at the same time I was afraid to be involved particularly physically as I had a different agenda then--to establish a career. But then, I think it is so abnormal not to be attracted to someone. I created stories in my head where I wrote the past, invented today and predicted the future.
Today I am lonely...really lonely. I lost my only best and true earthly friend--my mother. It has been more than five months ago since she went to be with the Lord but I still cry, with tears in my eyes and arrows of pain in my heart
.....
The days had been so dry during this spring. My garden seems to be sad, too. Or should I say at a lost and confused? Yes, definitely! The blooms are scanty, if not scarce.
But then I woke up. And the heavens were crying with me. I felt relieved! At least I know the creator of the heavens sympathise with me.
